How Do You Get The Spark Back In A Relationship? – Real Life Solutions Counseling, Inc.

How Do You Get The Spark Back In A Relationship? – Real Life Solutions Counseling, Inc.


So, your relationship has lost its spark and you are wondering how to get it back. You may be wondering if it is even possible to get it back.

The short answer is that it is possible to get the spark back in your relationship BUT it will take patience and work on your part.

Let’s look at some of the reasons why a couple may lose their spark.

  1. Your expectations are not being met by your partner.

This is a common reason why you may feel the spark is gone. If your expectations go unmet then there is a good chance you are holding on to some resentment. Resentment is a pretty common intimacy/spark killer.

You see, when we were all younger, we all had certain expectations of how our relationship would be. We developed these expectations by either witnessing or creating (or some form of both) thoughts/expectations that we hoped would come true. Very rarely do expectations actually happen the way we imagined them. There are countless uncontrollable factors involved in relationships making it next to impossible for all of our expectations to be met.

So many people are not able to modify their expectations and this leads to resentment. Resentment makes you look at your partner in a less than positive light and this can cause the spark to go out.

Solution—–examine your expectations and see how realistic they are. Talk to a friend or family member or therapist you trust to see if your expectations could be causing resentment. Be flexible when you can and focus on the positive while at the same time respecting yourself and your personal boundaries.


  1. You are living just like the movie Groundhog Day.

Don’t fret. You are NOT alone. In fact, most people describe their relationship as predictable and repetitive. There are plenty of people who genuinely prefer their life like that. There are plenty who do NOT.

Solution—If you prefer excitement and variety then provide it. A common mistake is sitting and waiting and hoping your partner will provide you with the variety and excitement you want.  Everyone has different levels of variety they like which needs to be taken into consideration by BOTH partners. Do not fault your partner if they do not need lots of variety and do not fault your partner if they DO need lots of variety. Instead be sure to communicate with each other because this way, both partners can get their needs met. Compromise is usually a great option.

For many people, a new experience brings about a spark in their relationship. They have created new memories and activities together which can bring a couple closer which can amp up the spark.

  1. Things have gotten boring in the bedroom.

This can tend to happen after a couple has been together for some time. It is common but there are many things which can be done to spice things up. Again, communication is the key. Be sure to respect your partner’s thoughts regarding doing something new. Try doing things you did in the beginning of the relationship to make you feel the way you felt in the beginning of the relationship. Sound simple? It can be as long as a person does not over complicate it.

Of course there may be things to take into consideration such as jobs and kids and other obstacles which are inevitable in life. But as the old saying goes, If you want something badly enough you will make it happen. Otherwise, you will make excuses.”

Solution—You want the spark back in the bedroom? Try something new. Discuss it first. Read a provocative book together, give each other massages, introduce toys in the bedroom…the possibilities are endless.


These are just a few of the ways to get the spark back. Of course there are several more.

Are you trying to get the spark back in your relationship?

Call me, let’s chat.

Laurie Shoats L.M.F.T. (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)


Real Life Solutions Counseling, Inc

Serving Parkland, Coral Springs, Coconut Creek, Boca Raton, Margate and surrounding areas